Why I'm Never Dating Again (This Week)

You guys. OH MY GOD you guys. I just got back from what might possibly be the worst date in the history of human courtship and I need to document this for posterity because someday when I’m old and married I want to remember exactly why I almost became a nun in March 2008.

So my friend Jess sets me up with this guy from her bio lab who she swears is “really sweet and has interesting hobbies.”

Why I’m Never Dating Again (This Week)

Red flag number one: never trust anyone who describes someone’s hobbies as merely “interesting.” Turns out his interesting hobby is owning seventeen snakes, four lizards, and something called a bearded dragon that he showed me approximately forty-seven photos of during our appetizers.

I tried to be polite, I really did. But when he started explaining the mating habits of ball pythons while I was trying to eat my pasta, I knew I had to execute Operation Bathroom Escape.

The art of the bathroom escape text: step one

Emergency friend rescue text in progress

For future reference, the key is to text your roommate from the bathroom stall and have them call with a “family emergency” exactly seven minutes later. Works every time.

Freedom never looked so good

Walking out of there felt like breaking out of prison, not gonna lie. I’m swearing off dating for at least… okay, probably like two weeks. But still! A girl’s got standards, and those standards do not include dinner conversation about reptile feeding schedules. Sorry not sorry.